Ramsay, I Don't Need Your Hotel Hell, I've Lived It

I don't need to watch tonight's premiere of Gordon Ramsay's “Hotel Hell.”

Sure, with this attitude, I'll probably miss him calling someone a “donkey” or some other hotel related insult (“Semen Bed?”). But it's really unnecessary for me to watch. I don't need to see this, because I've already lived through Hotel Hell.

Recently, my girlfriend and I stayed on an island near the Canadian border called San Juan Island. While there, we decided it would be best to stay at the cheapest hotel on the entire island, The Orca Inn.

And that is where I completely overlap with Hotel Hell. I can guarantee you that just about every single hotel featured on the show will be the cheapest one in the area. I'm not even including like a Motel 6 in that equation, because even that is more expensive than what I endured.

When we checked in, the adequately friendly clerk was on the phone telling a former patron that even though they left early, they were still in the room for a while and therefore they were being charged for it. On the surface I thought this was just a situation where they stayed past check out time. In hindsight I now realize they checked in, saw the room and immediately left. But since they probably stepped in, the hotel management deemed it occupation and set the meter running.

I'm also assuming that there was an hourly meter, because well, this is a Hotel Hell sort of establishment like that.

When I first walked in the room, the only response I could muster was “Oh my.” The door opened and I looked into literally the smallest room I had ever seen. It did have a full size bed in it, but that compromised the majority of the room. My 5'11” frame could nearly reach from one end of the room to the other.

Welcome to, welcome to hotel... HELL!!!!!

Exploring my cell, errr... room.

Thoughts immediately went to wondering if this place is mainly used by prostitutes, but I really didn't know how active the prostitution community was on the island. What I did know was I needed to take drastic measures if I planned on getting through the night.

I couldn't merely set fire to everything or go around in a “The Shining”-esque fashion, because that would be too expected of me. I just let out a brief sob and got out of there. At this point we cursed ourselves for not bringing our own sheets, blanket, bed and entire hotel room.

Welcome to, welcome to hotel... HELL!!!!!

Lumpy bed, limited internet connection (as in you could only access it if you stood in the smoking area), hard pillow, werewolves, this place had it all. Even a microwave. And I suppose that, combined with its relatively cheap price would qualify it as a two star establishment. This kind of Hotel Hell would cause even Dante to not make it through the second circle. But I still knew where I was.

Welcome to, welcome to hotel... HELL!!!!!

The one bit of solace I could take from the whole experience is that although it was totally a Bates Motel sort of setup, I knew we couldn't be murdered to death in the shower, because there just wasn't enough room for that to happen. The shower was one of those submarine showers that could only fit one person and a bucketful of STDs. Just try and Norman Bates me in there, it's not going to happen.

Welcome to, welcome to hotel... HELL!!!!!

So Gordon Ramsay, I stayed in that room. I stayed in that Hotel Hell. If you encounter anything like what I went through, you are guaranteed to not make it through to your next FOX series.