Thursday, August 23, 2012

I Had the Mostest Fun on my Summer Vacation

Unless you live in one of those Communist oligarchies that foolishly starts school before Labor Day, it's almost time to go back to school. 

For kids aged second to sixth grade, they're going to need to endure a dread September ritual, the horrendous "Name something fun you did over the summer" question. Since all kids do nowadays is play Skylanders, they have no way to answer this question. Even if they did manage to grab all of the purple chompies, nobody cares in the slightest.

But don't worry, I realize you're young and it probably seems like I'm talking down to you, and you want to go cry into your Cynder footie pajamas. Don't do that, because I'm actually here to help! I'll supply you with such a great Summer activity story that all your chums will think you're super nifty, and eight out of 10 girls will seriously want to hold your hand.

Before I can do that, I need to lay down a couple of ground rules for how this storytelling procedure will play out. I don't do this just because I have a degree in writing stuff good and you probably still eat stuff... that shouldn't... be eaten (mushrooms), but because I speak from experience of the time where I just summarized an entire season of Disney Channel’s “Even Stevens” as my summer activity. That became especially strange when I got to the season 3 episode 17 episode “Snow Job.” 

But I digress.

To create a rocking story, make sure you never ever use the phrase "bear" when telling it. If that happens, people automatically know you're trying to catch them in a tangled web of lies. I'm also not the biggest fan of using any homonyms of that word as well. No “bare,” no “care bear stare,” nothing.

If you want to frame your story around a national tragedy, feel free. I highly recommend using Michael Phelps not medaling in the 400M Individual Medley as a great hook. You can even use the phrase “His failures were akin to him reaching into my mother’s womb and sucker punching fetus me.” That will earn you points for being so poetic.

Never use limericks, they’re the lamest of all poetic devices, because to see if they’re actually true to form, you have to stand in front of the room and clap out the rhythm. And that’s not an image anyone wants to see.

Also, feel free to fill in missing plot details with plot summaries stolen from "Breaking Bad." After every reference you make to that Emmy-award-winning series, make sure to then use the line "It was the mostest fun I ever had."
Breaking Bad Summer Vacation
How I Spent My Summer Vacation--by having
the mostest fun ever!

Now that we have that fairly exhaustive list out of the way, here's the winning story you must tell.
"Over the Summer, I did things... with people... and occasionally without."

Hmmmm, that seems to be running a tad short... and it seems to imply a totally dirty thing, which third graders will definitely pick up on and giggle mercilessly in your general direction. Everyone knows the delighted third graders’ shrieks are like kryptonite to anyone, so we’ll probably want to avoid that tack.

Oh screw it, just go with the following paragraph.

And then Mr. White and I made a fresh batch of blue meth, choked out a bear with our bare hands, blew up our biggest rival, made a really funny haiku and jumped in a pool while wearing all our clothes. Unfortunately two time Olympic medal loser Michael Phelps was there. But who would have guessed that unicorn would sweep in and carry us all across the New Mexican outback? It was the mostest fun I ever had.

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