I Heart Captain Planet

Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart!

Any sort of Gen Y-er worth his place in this world knows this is the kicking start for the Captain Planet theme song. What many of these same people don't realize is that Ma-Ti, AKA “Heart,” was perhaps the most important member of the Captain Planet team. Instead of honoring him with the love (heart) and respect he deserves, they insult and mock him for his lack of powers and/or overabundance of elbowchiefs.

I don't mean to get too punny, but I'll say it right now—Ma-Ti was the “heart” and soul that held Captain Planet and his team together. Without Ma-Ti, nobody could have talked to animals telepathically like he did. Nobody could have been the fifth wheel who seemingly did nothing but was vital to bringing forth the Captain.

Which Planeteer could talk to a monkey? Not Wheeler, that's for certain.

The episode that really shows Ma-Ti's worth is “The Conquerer.” In this episode, Zarm, the evil former ruler of Earth convinces the Planeteers to trade in their punily weak power rings for much more powerful power gloves. Everyone takes him up on this deal, EXCEPT for Ma-Ti. This is probably because much more powerful heart really wouldn't have any effect, but Ma-Ti stayed true to Captain Planet and Gaia. When Zarm tries causing a nuclear war, Ma-Ti can prevent it and save the day.

Also, Zarm was voiced by “The Police” frontman Sting. Talk about sending out an “S-O-S.”

It's a background like this that made me love Ma-Ti and his contributions to the team. So it should come as no surprise that when I decided I wanted to be a Planeteer for Halloween one year, I immediately started constructing a Ma-Ti related outfit. No other Planeteer was even a possibility—it's not like I was going to dye my hair red or anything. Getting the elbowkerchief and a stuffed monkey were just the start of my outfit. I needed to also get into Ma-Ti's state of mind. I used his heart powers to converse with the animals. Since my cat was the nearest animal, I found out he wanted food.

I was now Heart.

With being in the mind of Heart, I got an even deeper appreciation for every thing he did. A person to rally around and mock—that's Ma-ti. Who gets the final word in bringing Captain Planet—Ma-ti. Who not only had a pet monkey, but went as far as naming it Suchi—Ma-ti. Who's awesome—Ma-ti. Who's Ma-ti—Me. Who therefore is immune to syphilis as depicted in the season four episode “Future Shock,” that's right, Ma-Ti-Me.

I arrived at a deeper understanding. Ma-Ti brings so much to the table, while being so unsuspecting, and that right there is what a true hero does. I'm certain even Captain Planet would be jealous of Ma-Ti for those abilities, but the power of the Heart would calm him down.

The Captain Planet theme song should have really included the line "Ma-Ti, he's my hero / gonna love the entire world / HEART!" Until it does, I'll just know it's true in my... well, in my heart.

This is a stick up--Stickers, that is

Everything seemed so much simpler as a child. Tell the truth, get a sticker. Go to the bank, get a sticker. Hop in a stranger's car, get multiple stickers. Get an A on the spelling bee, that's a gold star sticker. Avoid mutual assured destruction with an Iron Curtain country, ensuring the safety and survival of the entire planet until the next time someone—in a sticker reduced rage—tries attacking the world, get a sticker.

Gold star for recognizing the awesomeness
of sticking light adhesives to things!

But things have changed in my adulthood. No longer is sticky paper a valid form of payment. Go to the store, buy something, anything and try paying with your vintage Yellow Ranger becoming White Ranger Power Rangers sticker, while the clerk might point out this runs outside of canon, they definitely will not accept it as legal tender.

At this age, stickers go back to fulfilling their original purpose—serving absolutely no point. Never has anyone said “I sure wish I had a picture of Boober from Fraggle Rock that I could easily affix to my stationary and/or children.” It just never happens, because 1. Fraggle Rock and its associated sticker items faded out years ago and 2. The internet exists, you can type in “Fraggle Rock” or basically just “Fraggle” and get loaded to the gills with pictures of Boober (both G-rated and NC-17 Boober on Tosh action).

I suppose bumper stickers are stickers that decrease the value of a car, so I guess that is doing something.

Sure, when I used to give blood, I'd always take the “I Gave Blood Today” sticker and affix it to my face. This allowed people at the bar I'd inevitably go to that evening that the alcohol would hit me harder, and we'd all be in for a good time. I'd also do this on election days.

But those were very special circumstances, and I try not to do much of either nowadays.

Now I no longer have my meticulously organized sticker books. The ones with entire pages dedicated to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or “Ways Charlie dies on the hit TV show 'Lost'” or pictures of erotic vegetables (the radish section alone took up three pages). The purpose of these are now lost on me.

But I am left with a bigger mission, I must make stickers relevant to a largely sticker-proof society.

Just imagine how amazingly a sticker
like this would cover areolae.

When I collected those bushels of Captain Planet stickers, I only focused on them as fun depictions of Ma-Ti getting a tad too friendly with his monkey pal. What I didn't think is how excellent of star pasties they'd make. As an adult, I can safely realie this without seeming like a creeper (… as much). I can realize star pasties are overdone, but Captain Planet Pasties are a wholly untapped market. Not only would he cover up nipples, he'd put forth a very important dual purpose of the power of mullets when it comes to fighting pollution.

However, this untapped market really only applies to victims of abuse and those falsely claiming female empowerment, and where's the money in that? I need to keep looking for ideas.

All right, how about this. Go out and collect some scratch-and-sniff stickers. I mean a lot of them—at least a gross, probably more. Take them, spread them out on your bed and then roll around in them naked. How does this make you feel? For many respondents, they'll probably comment on how it's odd to have the rear end smelling like strawberry hard boiled eggs mixed with scorpions. But that's exactly the sticker loving audience I'm looking for!

So go out there, get some stickers and stink up the place with your new unique odor. You're not going to do it on your own, the power of the stickers will.