Monday, May 7, 2012

Avenging my Lack of Pennies

Intergalactic Space Kitty, unite!
Ma-Ti, unite!
Sprocket, my cat, unite!
BreakMentalDouglas, unite!
Bob, the splendid Craigslist Breadmaker I purchased that didn't result in me getting stabbed to death in a vicious Lifetime Movie inspired stabathon, unite!
Split infinitives, to aggressively unite!
Break Mental Douglas, unite!

Why are all these vague concepts uniting? Because there's a great looming world threat, and only with the assemblage of these famed avengers can it be overcome.

Watching “The Avengers” this weekend, and seeing how it made a record $207 million dollars at the domestic box office, I knew I needed to unite everyone in the BMD canon. Sure, I might not make untold millions of dollars, but my goal is to bring in untold millions of pennies.

And as a brief aside, when my pennies do arrive, I definitely plan on building a giant vault so I can swim around naked in them. I can even see naked penny swimmer adding to the list of characters I can use and exploit. Sure, you might claim I stole this idea from Scrooge McDuck, but I can justify it because HE stole the concept of Dewey from Huey, and this will serve him right.
Now the main question is what can this group of adequately motivated superawesomes do? Well, they have no overlap, they have no reason to exist together and there's no Jeremy Renner. That right there is the perfect combination. We don't even need to give them moivation for anything. Hell, the entire movie could be dramatic recitations of “Jersey Shore” scripts and would be an unparalleled success. We might even dip don to “Laguna Beach” and still be successful.

But I suppose I should bring them together for a reason, and I have the perfect idea. It won't so much be a person as a concept. If I ever achieve an adequate amount of sleep, none of these characters would exist. Not even Ma-Ti, who I don't even own the copyright to. Just imagine the drama that will come about when battling this illy defined thing. Bob the Breadmaker will turn out caffeine-laden loafs and Time Warner's lawyers will say “... seriously?”

That's not even considering the strife that will occur within the group. Because lord knows there'll be strife, a bucketload of it. More strife than you've ever seen. Just imagine Sprocket taking on Intergalactic Space Kitty. They'll automatically hate eachother, because Sprocket will assume the Space Kitty will want to eat his kibble, and this won't be far from the truth—Intergalactic Space Kitty will want to eat the entire galaxy, which includes Sprocket's kibble supply. Sprocket will kill it before it CAN eat his kibble.

Wait, what? We killed off a main character way to up the stakes BreakMentalDown avengers. The real Avengers merely killed off a supporting character. Real Avengers, consider yourself one upped. Oh, and spoiler alert.

Ahhh heck, I won't bother actually bringing them together. I imagine I'll probably just go see the movie again. I love the part when Hulk smashes.

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