Thursday, May 3, 2012

You'll be seeing red over your red frosting choice

“Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.

Please do enjoy this cake that everyone got for you.”

Sure, it's not my birthday for several more months, but I will accept this erroneously received frosting-receptacle error in my favor and dig right in. Oh wait, there's red frosting. Nevermind. I will refuse this erroneously received frosting receptacle error.

“My birthday is in September, and you've already ruined it.”

Red frosting just might be the bane of the frosting world. Whereas all other frosting is fun and delicious and should fall into its own food category on the food pyramid (or whatever the heck we're using now) red frosting just tastes awful.
Just one of the reasons to hate Valentine's Day.
Other... Ashton Kutcher.
Frosting, as described by Wikipedia, is sugar combined with delicious, plus even better and unicorn dust. Basically, it tastes like awesomeness personified. But somehow, red frosting sucks all of the good out of normal frosting.

I blame the red food coloring. Now, I'm not against it for any sort of ethical reason. I don't believe it makes things smaller that should be large (like amount of frosting I can consume and/or penial size) or will result in massive birth defects. I'm against it, because of the way it can seep in and infect anything with its awful taste.

I'm not the biggest fan of pink coloring either.

In the world of cake decorating, red is commonly used, because many things can be depicted as red—blood, Knuckles the Echidna, displays honoring red food coloring, AP Calculus test grader commemoration cakes. None of these displays could be made without the ubiquitous red frosting, and that's why I'll never enter fields that involve those things (especially the last one, it's not because I have no recollection whatsoever of how Calculus works... it's the food coloring).

If you put a cupcake with red frosting on it in front Florian Bellanger, the Simon Cowell of the “Cupcake Wars” world, he will very Germanically make you feel like an idiot for putting such poison in front of him—and he's actually French!

My cake eating style is probably just like any other normal person's methodology. When I eat cake, I eat the cake part out of obligation to the bakers and my devotion to social mores. But my cake eating is like an excavation process. I aim to get a corner piece and dig out the cake part, leaving a shell of awesome frosting. It's not so awesome though when it's red.

Just one of the reasons to hate apples--red frosting.
Other... Ashton Kutcher.

What solution do I propose? Convince people to use their imagination. Just lay down white frosting and tell people to imagine it appears red. Sure, not everyone has that indepth of an imagination, but everyone has that indepth of taste buds and would thoroughly appreciate not having to do a bottom AND top frosting excavation.

As I said at the start, my birthday is coming up in September. That gives nearly five months to wipe red frosting off the face of the earth, and I think that just might be the greatest birthday present anyone could get me. Oh, and if you want to lick it off the face of the Earth, feel free, but do realize I will think you're strange with your poison eating ways.

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