Thursday, May 31, 2012

I'll Crack My Knuckles When People Realize the Awesomeness of Cracking Knuckles


Uh oh, someone either just broke Ol' Mr. McGillicutty's window... or they just cracked their knuckles.

Fortunately, that surly

Even more fortunately, cracking knuckles is actually a good thing that anyone, no matter how surly they are (here's looking at you, McGillicutty) should appreciate and love. It's a well known fact that cracking knuckles releases evil spirits from the humors of your body. They knew this back in the Middle Ages, and it's just a true to this day.

Don't believe me? Well, I crack my knuckles about 10 times a day, and I've never had a spell cast upon me by an evil wizard. A kind wizard, yes. An evil wizard, no.

If you want to get in the good graces of these wizards though, you're going to need to crack those knuckles properly. My strategy is to do the full crack. That's interlocking the fingers and pressing outwards. There's just something satisfying about those four clicks occurring sequentially. After doing that, I always clench my right hand. It doesn't add anything to the cracking experience, it's just away to psychosomatically tell myself what I just did didn't give me arthritis.

Another thing that tells me I didn't get arthritis is how cracking knuckles actually has no repercussions. There was some guy who cracked the knuckles on his left hand every single day for 60 years. He did not crack the right hand. In the end, neither hand developed arthritis. Sure, he exercised poor knuckle cracking form, because it really NEEDS to be done accordion style, but we must respect him for furthering the cause.

Even with this plethora of pluses behind it, when I was growing up, my brother took it upon himself to correct my knuckle cracking ways. Whenever I did it, he'd punch me. I suppose there were many times when I didn't do it that I still got punched, but this was the one situation where he always hit me.

When the 3 Ninjas "Knuckled Up,"
you know they were crackin'.
I'm going to use this opportunity to hit back by citing even MORE benefits for cracking knuckles. After reading this exhaustive list, you'll find the benefits far outweigh the negatives (unless you DO have a brother who hits you every time you do it. Then it's a push).

Is the organic version of bubble wrap. I remember watching an episode of Gladiators 2000, which was a version of American Gladiators aimed at kids and hosted by Ryan Seacrest (I'm not making this up). At one point, one of the gladiators said cracking knuckles pops a bubble of fluid and makes a popping noise. I'm going to assume this gladiator had some sort of PhD and just did gladiatoring for fun, so

Makes a real sweet noise. Outside of eating celery, there's no noise like this one. And since nobody actually consumes celery, there is no noise like this one.

Cracking knuckles grants you the ability to fly. Did you pay attention when I mentioned Gladiators 2000? You should have, because then you would have realized—popped bubbles equals expended air. Expended air equals flight. Flight equals birds. Birds equal KFC. KFC equals dinner. All thanks to knuckle cracking.

That's quite the exhaustive list of benefits. You'll note I didn't list any negatives, and that's because outside of the aforementioned brother punches, there aren't any. And now that I've finished writing my piece on cracking knuckles, there's only one thing left to do. And that's lean back, raise my hands up... and go finally get that Mr. McGillicutty's window.

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