Monday, May 28, 2012

Darting back to a time when we could play Lawn Darts

Memorial Day is expected to fulfill all sorts of tropes—barbequing, time-and-a-half pay, having your dad almost get arrested for illegally lighting off fireworks and lawn games.

But it's the latter tradition that really gives me pause. Can “lawn games” really be called “lawn games” in their current state? Take a look at the most recent statistics of deaths in America, and these “games” aren't even in the top 100. That's what we in the journalism industry call a “shocking statistic.” What caused this tumultuous fall? The banning of Lawn Darts back in 1988.

Lawn Dart Fatalities
It's no surprise that everyone in this vintage
Lawn Darts picture is now dead.
For those who don't know, Lawn Darts (or “Jarts” for our hipster crowd), was basically the greatest game ever created. The basic rules of the game were to take the lawn dart and try to throw it into a circle. Now that might sound kind of lame, but what I didn't mention is the dart is actually an aerodynamic stone/arrow with a stick attached to it. And when you try throwing it in the circle, your opponents are basically standing six inches away from the target.

That's right, Lawn Dart Fatalities!

For every person who ever played vintage Lawn Darts, three have ended up dead. This might seem like an impossible 300 percent kill ratio, but here's one thing to keep in mind... collateral damage. Sure, you can “accidentally” take out the competition, but not without also “actually” hitting a good amount of “innocent” bystanders.

Yet parents are suddenly (as of 1988) proclaiming they don't want their children to go through some sort of “Hunger Games”-esque flogging to see who actually deserves the edible (well done) burger, while the other dead ones have to suffer through the nigh inedible medium well pieces. But the success of “The Hunger Games” is proof this carnage is not only sought out, but enjoyed by the masses.

With actual lawn darts being illegal (I refuse to recognize those soft-tipped ones as “real”), and people refusing to play the game I invented entitled “Stabbation,” we must make bootleg lawn darts. As I mentioned, a lawn dart is basically a stick glued to a rock. So to bootleg them, all you need to do is glue a rock to a stick. I suppose for multiple Jarts, you'll need multiple sticks and rocks, but how many games of Lawn Darts have lasted past the first death?

Jarts, Lawn Darts
Anyone for a quick round?
Now that you have actual fake Lawn Darts, your goal should be to find people to play with you. But it's kind of gaudy to go up to friends and challenge them, because they probably will have their own Jarts and will want to go first. Don't let this happen! Instead, just “challenge” random people. Go to random streets and take the first move by launching your Lawn Dart. You don't even need to be on a lawn! They don't even need to be looking at you! The game is that adaptable. I once even had a great game with a storefront window. It tried launching glass lawn darts at me after my successful toss, but I think I still came out ahead.

Some might call this advocating beating random people with a stick attached to a rock, but I'd call those people poor sports. With this successful reintroduction of Lawn Darts, those people will be the least prepared to play and excellent targets... ermmmm, I mean competitors.

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