“Oh sweet, here's a bowl completely
filled with chocolates. Yum! … Oh wait, it's 80 percent cacao dark
chocolate. Nevermind, there's some celery over here, I'll just have
that. No thanks, I don't want any of your bizarrely bland chocolate.
The “chocolate” that requires air quotes. I'm fine with my
non-food food that is celery.”
You've made this exact statement
before. Sure, yours might have involved more blaspheming, but the
basic argument still existed—dark chocolate has no taste and is
therefore evil. My main problem is that it even has the gaul to call
itself chocolate. Sure, it does have the cacao in it, and in greater
quantities than an edible chocolate bar, but when I hear the phrase
“chocolate,” I think “yum,” but these abominations are very
far from that.
It doesn't taste right, it doesn't
break right, it's just not chocolate.
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Milky Way Midnight is dark chocolate done right. |
There is a percentage where I'm
completely okay with the darkness of chocolate. Up to 60 percent,
and I'm great with it. It's not normal chocolate, but it has it's own
unique charm and still tastes really good. But tick it up to even 61
percent and that sweetness turns to sour evil.
Can't we call dark chocolate that's
over 60 percent chocolate something else? Something like “Really
Light and Ineffective Doorstop” or “Preventer of Kids from Eating
Your Baked Goods.” A simple name change like this lowers
expectations, no longer will someone expect something sweet that the
chocolate name implies, they'll know exactly what they're getting
with this altered name.
Many people say they like dark
chocolate for the health benefits of it. Something about how it
prevents alcoholism or cures zombieism and definitely makes it so you
cannot become an alcoholic zombie. Some even truly believe dark
chocolate has health benefits. But it is technically candy, and
anyone who eats candy for health related reasons, no matter how bad
it tastes, has no idea what they're doing in the nutrition game.
This brings us to the bizarre case
study of Milky Way Midnight, which is, of course, the dark chocolate
version of the Milky Way. Most people aren't enamored with the
original Milky Way, were you to ask anyone to name their favorite
candy bar, nobody would mention Milky Way as the far and away number
one. It's a passable candy bar that many other candy bars do much
better.
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The above chocolate is too dark. Unfortunately, it's the exception and not the rule. |
Many other candy bars, including Milky
Way Midnight fill the role Milky Way would love to have. How does
this work? First off, the Midnight edition probably isn't the highest
percent cacao. It probably is just beyond the border of edibility.
But there's also the amazing vanilla nougat that's not present in a
normal Milky Way. The sweet vanilla melds with the more bitter
chocolate in a fashion that both saves and elevates this creation.
As people continue trying to “eat
healthy” by eating dark chocolate, I hope more companies are swayed
to create candy that actually tastes good. They should know the
flavor profiles of dark chocolate and how to use it.
Most of all, candy should taste good.
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