“The name is Warm, Luke Warm, and
I'll take my hot chocolate with an ice cube in it.”
With a catchphrase like that, my newest
super spy creation, Luke Warm, will be a worldwide phenomenon. He
combines both the dapper good looks of a James Bond with the common
sensibility of someone who doesn't like the roof of his mouth scalded
when he goes to take a drink of a delightfully chocolatey beverage.
He also hates ice cream headaches. He
truly represents the everyman top secret undercover spy.
 |
| "Looks like it's getting a little too hot in here. Literally" -Luke Warm's catchphrase and main weapon |
Luke Warm will traverse the world in a
“Kung Fu”-esque fashion, battling the baddies who want to freeze
and/or burn people. The enemies will run the entire gamut of
temperature-related-evil. Just imagine he'll have to do battle with
both ice monsters and fire demons. Microwaves and refrigerators.
Just imagine a scene where in one fluid
slow motion shot, Luke rolls around and blammo, takes down the
winters in Minnesota. A twirl later and he's also destroyed summers
in Minnesota. Boom boom. I realize this would involve him taking down
pretty diametrically opposed concepts, and concepts are hard to
destroy, but I'm certain Industrial Light & Magic could whip up
something that lives true to the assassin's creed of Mr. Luke T.
Warm. Minnesota hot will clash with the Minnesota cold, equaling out
to a nice Seattle lukewarmness.
I'm certain popular opinion will side
with both Luke and me on this opinion and concept. Sure, some people
might questioningly arch their brow when they see you put ice cream
in the microwave, but when they find that ice cream both scoops
better and doesn't cause facial pain upon consumption. That right
there is the downright definition of win win.
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| This clipart of a Snowman represents Luke Warm's worst enemy and occasional closest ally. |
People use the phrase “too hot” or
“too cold,” but you never hear anyone proclaim something as “too
lukewarm.” Extrapolating this out a little further, Luke Warm will
represent the baby bear from Goldilocks, sweet and kind and loving
porridge but ready to pounce and maul at the slightest drop in
temperature. That is logic pure and simple.
Yet these same people will blow hot and
cold on Luke Warm's amazing abilities. I realize this cold hard logic
isn't going to be enough to sway some people. They will stick hard
and fast to their theory that coffee should cause third degree burns
and Popsicle should be kept just a tad above absolute zero. They do
this just to be “that guy.”
But Luke Warm is definitely not “that
guy.” He's far too cool to sink to that level, he drinks water
straight from the tap, leaving the faucet handle going straight down
the lukewarm middle.
The
ultimate goal of Luke Warm will not just be getting a Saturday
morning cartoon out of the deal (“Warm, Luke Warm Jr. / No one can
stop him but temp fluctuations always try / young Warm cuts through
each attempt at fry), but make it socially acceptable for me to not
refrigerate my pop.
And
that is a mission I know he'll accept with warmth in his
heart.
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