Monday, June 25, 2012

Too Hot? Too Cold? Get Lukewarm with New Action Hero Luke Warm


“The name is Warm, Luke Warm, and I'll take my hot chocolate with an ice cube in it.”

With a catchphrase like that, my newest super spy creation, Luke Warm, will be a worldwide phenomenon. He combines both the dapper good looks of a James Bond with the common sensibility of someone who doesn't like the roof of his mouth scalded when he goes to take a drink of a delightfully chocolatey beverage.

He also hates ice cream headaches. He truly represents the everyman top secret undercover spy.

Thermometer Picture
"Looks like it's getting a little too hot in here. Literally"
-Luke Warm's catchphrase and main weapon
Luke Warm will traverse the world in a “Kung Fu”-esque fashion, battling the baddies who want to freeze and/or burn people. The enemies will run the entire gamut of temperature-related-evil. Just imagine he'll have to do battle with both ice monsters and fire demons. Microwaves and refrigerators.

Just imagine a scene where in one fluid slow motion shot, Luke rolls around and blammo, takes down the winters in Minnesota. A twirl later and he's also destroyed summers in Minnesota. Boom boom. I realize this would involve him taking down pretty diametrically opposed concepts, and concepts are hard to destroy, but I'm certain Industrial Light & Magic could whip up something that lives true to the assassin's creed of Mr. Luke T. Warm. Minnesota hot will clash with the Minnesota cold, equaling out to a nice Seattle lukewarmness.

I'm certain popular opinion will side with both Luke and me on this opinion and concept. Sure, some people might questioningly arch their brow when they see you put ice cream in the microwave, but when they find that ice cream both scoops better and doesn't cause facial pain upon consumption. That right there is the downright definition of win win.

Snowman Clipart
This clipart of a Snowman represents Luke Warm's
worst enemy and occasional closest ally.
People use the phrase “too hot” or “too cold,” but you never hear anyone proclaim something as “too lukewarm.” Extrapolating this out a little further, Luke Warm will represent the baby bear from Goldilocks, sweet and kind and loving porridge but ready to pounce and maul at the slightest drop in temperature. That is logic pure and simple.

Yet these same people will blow hot and cold on Luke Warm's amazing abilities. I realize this cold hard logic isn't going to be enough to sway some people. They will stick hard and fast to their theory that coffee should cause third degree burns and Popsicle should be kept just a tad above absolute zero. They do this just to be “that guy.”

But Luke Warm is definitely not “that guy.” He's far too cool to sink to that level, he drinks water straight from the tap, leaving the faucet handle going straight down the lukewarm middle.

The ultimate goal of Luke Warm will not just be getting a Saturday morning cartoon out of the deal (“Warm, Luke Warm Jr. / No one can stop him but temp fluctuations always try / young Warm cuts through each attempt at fry), but make it socially acceptable for me to not refrigerate my pop.

And that is a mission I know he'll accept with warmth in his heart.

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