“Hey, that bread looks really good,
why don't you put a little mold on it.”
“Oh great, cheese, nothing goes
better with cheese than some mold. I've got some hookup on some black
mold!
“Is that a Blu-Ray of the 1996
Shaquille O'Neal starrer 'Kazaam?' Well, technically that's as
inedible as it is unwatchable, but through the miracle of mold, it's
delicious!”
“Mold, great for my pancreas.”
Anyone who has ever dealt with some of
those pro-molders has probably heard statements like these ones
countless times (occasionally subbing in Shaq's far inferior “Blue
Chips”). I'm going to slap all these people in the face right now
when I say this.
Food should not be furry.
 |
| Mold says "Oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine." Everyone else says "... ew." |
And this isn't some vegetarian diatribe
brought on by the fact that I live with a vegetarian. No, food should
not be furry, because it should not be moldy. Yet if the pro-molders
are to be believed, mold is a delicacy and should make anyone happy
to dine upon it.
Well, unlike the majority of people, I
am against mold. Whereas it seems everyone thinks mold is the
greatest thing since sliced mold, I dislike it greatly. Mold
frightens me. Just seeing that green or black or white blob of fuzz
sends shivers down my spine.
When I open the refrigerator and find
that unwelcoming hue of awful, I treat it like it's a spider of some
sort. I don't make eye contact with it and with great speed I send it
to the nearest portal to hell. Spiders and mold, they deserve each
other—especially if one eats the other, although I'm really not
sure which way that would operate. I'd hope they both eat each other
in one of the great murder-suicides-two-birds-one-stone of our time,
but alas, that's probably just fantasy on my part.
So we're stuck with mold. Just like it
sticks to us.
It's not like I haven't tried liking
mold. Lord knows I've tried, I've put it on everything from my
oranges to strawberries to fruit cups, but none of them tasted very
good. They tasted downright poisonous, in fact. Even when I tried
jazzing it up by placing it in a Jell-o mold (AKA a “mold mold”),
it just set off my pun sensors and did little for my
not-getting-grossed-out-sensors.
Maybe if all the mold types coordinated
into a pleasing layout. Just imagine some sort of plaid or 1990s Neon
Crayola swath, I could dig that. But instead those organisms usually
only stick to one or two color palettes, and I really don't dig the
white-on-green-Philadelphia-Eagles-inspired-mish-mash combination of
color.
Many people claim that because molds
play a large role in the production of food, beverages and enzymes,
we should view mold formations of food as an evolution, a delicacy .
Well, faced with that post apocalyptic society where awful greens and
whites exist, I don't want to live there.
Enjoy your mycotoxin poisoning.
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