Thursday, June 21, 2012

A Hopeful Future Rides on the Back of Litterbugs

Blade Runner. The Matrix. Terminator 1, 3 and Salvation. Alien. Predator. Alien vs. Predator Requiem. Alien vs. Predator. My Girl 2. A Very Care Beary Movie: The Wrath of Lionel. The Fifth Element.

All of the above depict a very dystopian version of the future. Volcanoes go off at random, robots use the bones of man to power their Rube Goldberg devices, Chris Tucker annoys and trash litters over just about everything.

It is indeed a pretty bleak future, and this is probably why we refer to it as “dystopian.” But there is one glimmer of hope in all those bleak times. It comes from the final clause in the preceding paragraph (and also this paragraph), in the future, trash litters around on just about everything.

Terminator Endoskeletons
Just imagine a future littered with Terminator endoskeletons

If these movies are to be believed, our descendants have found a way to truly capitalize on our precious time. No longer must we walk upwards of 32 feet to find a trash receptacle. When we're tired of using it, we just drop it. Wind will blow it away, or acid rain will melt it. No longer must we waste time for trash management, because litter is the wave of the future.

This might sound horrible, like its aiding in our untimely demise, but just think about it, if you're eating a Twinkie while running away from a flesh eating zombie robot, you're not going to want to take time to throw away that wrapper. You'll want to drop it and keep running, replete with the power embued in you from the Twinkie's beef fat. We can fight the robot masses if we're not busy trying to figure out what to do with our garbage.

Another great thing, we don't have to pay garbage men.

I realize I've gotten ahead of myself. Why is littering such a phenomenal advancement in our society? Just keep in mind, if we're busy not wasting all of our times trying to figure out where to throw our trash, we can think up ways to save the world, like by instituting trash-throwing-away programs or curing AIDS.

Once the pile of trash starts dwarfing us, we'll realize this plan is working. It's a little known fact, but in addition to smelling like roses, trash also serves as an excellent heat insulator. By merely having a welcoming layer of old issues of Vogue and pork rind dust coating our homes, we are actually insulated much better and can turn down the thermostat, thus resulting in a happier ozone. And happier ozone results in less carcinogenic ways and less melanoma. Since cancer is bad, litter must be good.

Trash lining all the streets might seem like it has nothing but positives associated with it, and I'll admit, this is true. As I've said, we've seen how happy it made everyone in those dystopian movies. They were in awful situations, but they knew they had trash, they would survive.

We might even breed some rare form of super-plague some super-plague-antibiotic-resistant-strain of SARS or BARS or some other acronym word. We could then use these horrorific diseases to play fun games like “Who will die on Tuesday?” or “Jenga.”

As the saying goes, where theres' super-plague-antibiotic-resistant-strains of SARS, there's super-plague-antibiotic-resistant rats. I imagine a rat of this magnitude will be able to do cool things like Kung Fu and talking. And a radical rat like that can probably use its massively large brain to figure out a way to prevent the robot uprising and save our entire existence. Or, at the very least, it could karate chop off some of the robot's heads and take care of that problem before it becomes an issue... Splinter?

He just might be our way to survive past 2012. 

Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
He is a radical rat.

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